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is it normal to pace your room and talk to yourself about suicide?
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How can you deny us the right to kill ourselves when you’ve never actually felt suicidal yourself? When you’re feeling that way, suicide is an all encompassing right, an absolute truth, and an unquestionable should. Who are you to take that away from us? Everyone has their lot in life… Some people write literature, some practice medicine, some make war… Why can’t I choose my lot in life whatever that may be and whatever the consequences? Where is my right to lead or end my life when and how I want? This is my life and if I choose my lot to be suicide then so be it.
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i did art this weekend without feeling suicidal for the first time in many many years.
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it was depressing cleaning my whole room with my mom and finding lots of old, blood-stained kleenexes in my drawers. not to mention the gun target from the firing range.
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i don’t know why i thought watching ‘requiem for a dream’ would be a good idea. it’s one thing to live through suicidal thoughts, depression, an eating disorder, the psych ward, and residential treatment… to experience it first hand and have it be your norm. it’s another thing to view it externally and really see how scary and serious it all is.
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one of my friends at the house, at inpatient, is in the hospital for suicidal behavior. the last time i saw her she was smiling and cheery and happy to see me, giving me hugs. just goes to show how different you can be on the outside from the inside. just like when people don’t understand how i smile and laugh while talking about suicide.
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What would getting better mean? It would mean every part of my daily life changing. I would change. Everything I really know would be gone and replaced by…what? It’s too foreign to comprehend. I can’t fathom it. And because it is so very hard to give up your way of being and your habits and instead strive for something that you don’t understand at all, I have no hope. And I don’t want to continue in this for another forty, fifty years, so death is the only other option that makes sense to me. If I felt like I knew what normalcy would be like, if I knew enough to know it was worth the enormous struggle that recovery would be, I might be willing to consider it."
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still, every time i hear about someone suicidal my insides drop and i feel like i failed at it.
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You don’t have to kill yourself."
Staff at inpatient -
if i’m still going to feel that way sometimes then maybe i really am meant to die sometime.
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gone
I was in the psych ward for a month and a day. Now I’m in eating disorder inpatient for ed and depression. My friends and parents gave me an intervention and a nurse came out to my house to take me to the hospital for suicidal behavior. If I hadn’t have agreed, I would have been forced to go.
I gave up my matches, razors, bullets, permit to purchase a firearm card… Basically all my secrets I’ve kept extremely hidden for the past ten years exploded in front of everyone and now they all know everything. It’s beyond difficult and exposed-feeling.
I didn’t eat for a week at the hospital and then I restricted hard. I lost twenty pounds there. I only left my room for water for five days then they locked me out of my room for weeks. I had to start taking prozac and abilify. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder (severe, recurrent), anxiety, borderline personality disorder, eating disorder, and some ocd tendencies.
It was… interesting. I met a few friends there. I’ll write more later.
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FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK my best friend is coming over and telling my mom i’m depressed and suicidal my life is falling apart
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every day i don’t kill myself is another day i hate myself even more for not doing it.
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Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?"
Albert Camus
(the age old question) (via fuckyeahexistentialism)
