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is it normal to pace your room and talk to yourself about suicide?
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i’m hungry but i’m afraid to eat because then i’ll have energy to be slightly manic.
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this cut is dedicated to my dbt instructor, jerry.
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How can you deny us the right to kill ourselves when you’ve never actually felt suicidal yourself? When you’re feeling that way, suicide is an all encompassing right, an absolute truth, and an unquestionable should. Who are you to take that away from us? Everyone has their lot in life… Some people write literature, some practice medicine, some make war… Why can’t I choose my lot in life whatever that may be and whatever the consequences? Where is my right to lead or end my life when and how I want? This is my life and if I choose my lot to be suicide then so be it.
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it just feels too good.
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today i binged and purged and cut and burned. i should probably be taking my prozac but it’s just so hard to care.
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when your slow heartbeat shudders through your whole body.
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body checking this weekend has become a sort of ocd type of comforting mechanism. the hollow pit in your hungry stomach, the tapping of collarbones…
i guess when life is so devoid of comfort you find unique ways of attaining it, even if they are self destructive.
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my abysmal diet yesterday
muesli
soymilk latte
whiskey
blondie bar
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i know i shouldn’t be, but i’m so excited to restrict tomorrow.
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I feel like I’m empty, composed of spiderwebs of disorders creating a shadow of a person.
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Orange for lunch. Soymilk latte for dinner. Goodbye meal plan.
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i did art this weekend without feeling suicidal for the first time in many many years.
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How can self destruction be so quiet?
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i was asked to leave iop. they said it wasn’t the right time to do it because i needed to find my motivation to recover.
i’m such a fuck up.
