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33057) I hate being hungry; I hate being full. I hate starving; I hate eating. I want people to care, but I don’t let anyone in. Why am I like this? Was I just not meant to be happy?
(Source: confessionsabouteatingdisorders, via suicide-sundeas-deactivated2012)
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I’m the biggest fucking pathetic loser ever. If anyone really could see my life they would want me to kill myself too.
I barely have friends anymore. I have no plans for tonight because I’m a sad piece of shit no one likes or wants to be around. My mom (yeah, MY MOM) just told me I should go out tonight. I couldn’t go out to eat last night with my parents because my friend works there and I’m too fat to let him see me eat so I stayed at home and binged and purged.
I finally confessed my suicidal feelings to my only friends left, which was really REALLY fucking hard by the way, right before they left to visit family over Christmas. I asked her to check in on me, email me, even if it was just a blank message. I haven’t heard from them since. Goes to show I should have NEVER EVER let anyone see, just like I promised myself. This just proves they don’t give a shit. No one gives a shit. No one loves me and no one cares even when I tell them that I have a plan and was sitting outside the gun store struggling with suicide.
Fuck all of them. But they’re right. No one should care. There’s nothing worth anything in me to care about anyway so why does it even matter if they call or if I kill myself. Good fucking riddance.
I told myself that I should do it tonight but I didn’t buy a gun yet because I’m too scared even though I know I don’t even deserve to live. Goddamn pathetic piece of shit I hope you fucking die you motherfucking loser.
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I felt that I was not, never had been and never would be a living part of this overpoweringly solid and deeply meaningful world around me."
John Knowles (A Separate Peace) (via fuckyeahexistentialism) -
(Source: im-not-o-fucking-k, via cobainandlove)
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intimacy
i want my friends to be all and everything for me. subconsciously, i want them to fill all the emotional needs that i can’t fill for myself and i want them to complete me or make me okay. i put these personal pressures on the ones closest to me. i know they can’t do these things, and while i don’t mean to, i get upset with them deep down. but only because i’m really just mad at my own problems which i’ve projected onto them. sometimes they get a bit of the same wrath that i inflict upon myself because i know i can’t fix the problems or fix myself.
this is one way i’ve lost friends.
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(Source: adifferentangel, via baretrees)
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i got an email from a friend and i responded for once. it made me actually think about my life again and i was overwhelmed, as usual. i got too emotional and binged. this is why i don’t talk to anyone anymore.
this might make me give up on even checking email.
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every time i try to speak out to even the remotest of acquaintances, i can’t find the words to speak.
they are too many and too horrible.
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i don’t even bother to turn my phone on anymore. i turned it on today at art for the first time in weeks only so that it would look like i had been talking on the phone when i was actually cutting myself in the bathroom.
i pretended to text coming back but was really counting calories. i sat alone in the other room drinking coffee while everyone else enjoyed cupcakes. i could hear them laugh and have fun and i felt so distant and alone.
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She stood, in a room of crumbling plaster, pressed to the window-pane, looking up at the unattainable form of everything she loved. She did not know the nature of her loneliness. The only words that named it were: This is not the world I expected."
- Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged
(via hewn) (via youarebonbon) (via ahattrick) (via miaculpa) (via fuckyeahexistentialism)
