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In moments of temptation or indecision - for example, when the man who has resolved not to gamble anymore is confronted with the gaming tables once again - one realises, painfully, that no motive and no past resolution, however strong, determines what one will do next."
Sartre, 1943 (via emmabutton)(via fuckyeahexistentialism)
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i thought i was passive through indecision, but apparently i’ve made all the decisions.
i thought i was controlless, but apparently i have all the power.
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33057) I hate being hungry; I hate being full. I hate starving; I hate eating. I want people to care, but I don’t let anyone in. Why am I like this? Was I just not meant to be happy?
(Source: confessionsabouteatingdisorders, via suicide-sundeas-deactivated2012)
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The scariest thing in the world to me is skydiving. Free falling is the epitome of all loss of control and whenever I imagine it, I picture myself dying of a heart attack on the way down out of sheer fear and panic.
Then I learned about underwater cave diving. The ocean scares me too-vast, dark and deep, like drowning. They navigate through ever-extending caves, often creeping through small crevices, always in danger of getting stuck or lost. I would rather free fall than be trapped underwater.
Is this symbolic of my life? I always feel trapped for fear of spinning out of control. I’ve been imprisoned in this pit of depression because it seemed the better and safer option. But if I choose skydiving over an underwater prison, does this mean that I should choose breaking free and possibly free falling instead of staying trapped in this hell? I used to think I didn’t know which one was worse, but I question that now.
Then there’s a third option: death. Or maybe death IS free falling.
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there’s this voice screaming at me inside my head all the time to kill myself. it keeps telling me that i have to die. that nothing is worth it and this is the only option and to stick to the plan. and that if i reach out for help i am doing the wrong thing or breaking the law of my mind.
every moment my mind is besieged and at war with my brain telling me i have to do this and wondering whether or not i can finally end it all. i feel like i’m going insane.
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HAMLET:
To be, or not to be—that is the question:
Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them.
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starving and denial
i’ve never gone after what i want. but i’ve never known what i want. maybe i don’t go after what i want because it seems so impossible and implausible in this world and i feel like it could never actually be attained.
it makes me feel like the things i want don’t mesh with the reality of the world i exist in, and makes me feel hopeless. as if even if i could go on and reach for the things i yearn for, there is no point because they are too much or too artistically idealistic and of notions only.
i wade in indecision, going along with what’s expected of me or whatever can be confined to convention. i do well because of my proper exterior, but my heart’s not in it and it all feels so null.
i’m in constant denial of all my needs, physically and emotionally, starving myself until i find all that’s left is a skeleton kept going only by depression and the inability to finally end it all. i’ve starved myself into an internal death, and it leaves an emptiness and sorrow that nothing can fill. not food, not love, not control… nothing is enough. nothing is ever enough when you’re black and bottomless.
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other-worldly
I feel like i don’t belong in this world. i want to live in a daydream. i comprehend living until i’m thirty, fifty, eighty in the drudgery of every day life. i can’t imagine my years spent grocery shopping, doing taxes, going to an office… i want to float off into the haze of an artistic realm.
was i not meant to live on this earth?
but what would happen if all other-worldly people left this earth? would there be no art, no poetry, no space for creation and ideas to exist?
but how do you cope with not fitting anywhere? i go along and i meet people, but never anyone with the same feeling in their “soul.” what if i stay on this earth- am i meant to walk alone drowning in my unshared passions?
i don’t understand how to exist in this world. how do people walk around, live, and exist knowing that it’s all so mundane. i feel so trapped here. and trapped by my depression which never allows me to even come close to fulfilling any artistic fantasies.
i would want to make creations of epic greatness but thinking of the magnitude of it all overwhelms me to the point of internal catatonia. what i want is so high up above and i am so far below.
sometimes i think i’m a genius and the thoughts i write in my diary are poetic and meant for the ages, yet at the same time i know i’m so lowly and worthless.
and i can’t stop these racing anxious thoughts it’s never ceasing in my head, driving me insane and leaving me battered and bruised. my mind is in a whirlwind and i can’t slow down while my body is paralyzed and i feel trapped.
once again this is making my mind feel really super fucking high. floaty, trembling, dreamlike and my body feels like it’s starting to shake.
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[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
i fucking love fiona.
On The Bound by Fiona Apple
All my life is on me now
Hail the pages turning
And the future’s on the bound
Hell don’t know my fury
You’re all I need, you’re all I need, you’re all I need
You’re all I need, you’re all I need, you’re all I need
You’re all I need
And maybe some faith would do me goodI don’t know what I’m doing, don’t know should I change my mind
I can’t decide, there’s too many variations to consider
No thing I do don’t do no thing but bring me more to do
It’s true, I do imbue my blue unto myself, I make it bitter
Baby, lay your head on my lap one more time
Tell me you belong to me
Baby say that it’s all going to be alright
I believe that it isn’t
You’re all I need, you’re all I need, you’re all I need
You’re all I need, you’re all I need, you’re all I need
You’re all I need
And maybe some faith would do me good
And maybe some faith would do me good
And maybe some faith would do me good -
my constantly conflicted mind makes me feel like i’m broken into a million different pieces, none of which fit together.
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i made this blog to have a new venue to say whatever i was feeling without restraint. i didn’t think anyone would read it. but i have been holding back certain things.
it’s killing me to keep these things to myself but i am too afraid to let anyone else see. so i still feel trapped.
i’m always torn between screaming out in pain and for help and being completely cold and silent. i always choose the latter and it has destroyed me. i desperately want help and i desperately don’t. i don’t want attention but i want someone to notice but i don’t because i’ll just push them away even though i desperately don’t want them to leave me but i do. i’m feeling “that way” again and i keep telling myself it’s the only option, it’s meant to be, and that doing anything different will just ruin the plan.
i feel like i’m constantly at a crossroads and it’s always tearing me apart.
