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All these traces of his life seemed to seize hold of him and say to him: “No, you won’t escape us and be different, you’ll be the same as you were: with doubts, an eternal dissatisfaction with yourself, vain attempts to improve, and failures, and an eternal expectation of the happiness that has eluded you and is not possible for you”."
Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina (via bulimiserable) -
I’m such a loser. Complete loser. I have no real full time job. I’ve been out of college for years and have hardly worked. I hardly ever go out. I really only have one friend and she’s too busy and popular to hang out with me all the time. I’m fat and can’t lose weight.
There is so much wrong with me. I think about all the things that I would need to change to actually have a life worth living and it all becomes so overwhelming and hopeless. I feel like I can never attain any of the things I would want if I were to live on, and it makes me not want to live on.
I don’t even know what to say other than I’m a complete loser and my life is not worth living or saving. There is no point to me. Why would anyone want to live with so much worthlessness? -
Everything is always hopeless.
- most BPD statement ever.
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I can’t see myself surviving this, I am not strong enough.
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I feel inherently sad today. Life feels hopeless.
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I don’t want to try anymore. I want to give into everything. I want to sink down into the abyss and let it pull me under.
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I had DBT therapy today and it just feels like everything is my fault. “You have a choice! Use these skills! Use opposite to emotion…!” It makes me feel that since I have choices, well I’m obviously choosing the wrong ones so it’s all my fault anyway. It’s my fault that I’m depressed and a failure.
Then again, who cares anyway if I’m just giving up right now? Who cares if I don’t have anything left or feel depressed? I don’t have enough energy to fight or care.
Tonight I will go to the gym because I have to, then I’ll try to not eat but I will anyway and feel like a fat failure. Then tomorrow I’ll do the same. -
And at some point the struggle becomes too much. Too tiring. And you consider letting go. Allowing tragedy or whatever to happen."
Hannah Baker, Thirteen Reasons Why (via quote-book)(via coffee-and-sleep)
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I want to give up. I feel too fat to have hope today.
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I’ve been off my medication for two days and I already feel out of control. I feel overwhelmed. I feel slightly suicidal and hopeless. I have cognitive distortions like “I’m so happy I’ll cut myself” or “I’m so happy I don’t care if I live or die.” I am shaking and pulsating with swells of emotions. I feel like if I can just not eat then I can control all of my thoughts and energy. Is this natural state freedom or a prison? Maybe there is freedom in stability.
What is the point of all this? Why am I this person when not on medication? Why do I inherintely feel suicidal all the time on my own? Was I not meant to make it?
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I know I’m falling and will soon slam into the bottom. I feel it, rushing up at me.” But he can only live with this fear for so long before he recognizes: “I won’t even know when I finally do hit. I’ll be dead before I can realize anything’s happened. So there is no bottom. It does not exist for me. Only my end exists."
Mark Z. Danielewski (via bulimiserable) -
(Source: yimmyayo, via thehiddenabyss)
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And I went crazy again today
Looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope"Paper Bag by Fiona Apple -
(via lonelyinnyc)
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I felt the ground on which I stood crumbling, that there was nothing for me to stand on, that what I had been living was for nothing, that I had no reason for living…The truth was, that life was meaningless. Every day of life, every step in it, brought me nearer the precipice and I saw clearly that there was nothing but ruin."
Leo Tolstoy (via bulimiserable)
