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[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
The Smiths | Well I Wonder
Well I wonder
Do you hear me when you sleep ?
I hoarsely cry
Well I wonder
Do you see me when we pass ?
I half die …
Please keep me in mind
Please keep me in mind
Gasping - but somehow still alive
This is the fierce last stand of all I am
Gasping - dying - but somehow still alive
This is the final stand of all I am
Please keep me in mind
Well I wonder
Well I wonder
Please keep me in mind
Keep me in mind
Keep me in mind -
“Intuitive Emoting”
I was watching josielenore’s youtube videos and I made a powerful connection. She talks about how you binge when you are starving because you are “gasping for food.”
That is equatable to me holding everything so powerful in for so long. The more I hold it the worse and more desperate becomes which is why it’s so terrifying to think of letting loose. Just like I’m afraid of bingeing if I let myself eat, I’m afraid of exploding with emotions if I let myself express or emote. And it’s true. I get pushed to the brink. That’s why every time I end up telling someone something it’s usually in this desperate gasp and it comes out in an explosive, panicky, overwhelming way.
It’s what I will now call “intuitive emoting.”
If I just let it out on a regular basis it wouldn’t be so dire. And maybe it would be horrible and violent at first but over time it would begin to moderate itself because there wouldn’t be such a deep build up. But how do you even begin? And how do you begin when you don’t want to get better or don’t want people to know you?
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i feel like i’m made of a thin shell of normalcy with nothing inside. i don’t want my friends or anyone to know me because if i break down the wall of “being okay” then they will see the truth that i’m a completely awful person and all the horrible things will have no cover or boundary. there won’t be any reason to hold anything back and there will only be pessimism and bleak depression. then i’m the person that is the ultimate downer all the time and the person everyone leaves because it’s just too much for anyone to handle the constant black oppression.
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I feel alone and I feel scared because I’m letting go of my sickness and I’m left with nothing.. I feel like I’ve let go of my cover and there I am with nothing to hide me from the world, anxiety, and anything."
The anxiety of feeling well (via betterthanbones) -
People think they know you. They think they know how you’re handling a situation. But the truth is no one knows. No one knows what happens after you leave them, when you’re lying in bed or sitting over your breakfast alone and all you want to do is cry or scream. They don’t know what’s going on inside your head—the mind-numbing cocktail of anger and sadness and guilt. This isn’t their fault. They just don’t know. And so they pretend and they say you’re doing great when you’re really not. And this makes everyone feel better. Everybody but you."
William H. Woodwell Jr. (via sickly-thin)(Source: runawaytrain, via sickly-thin)
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(by .me+2)
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(via paradiseinperil)
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I am a forest, and a night of dark trees: but he who is not afraid of my darkness, will find banks full of roses under my cypresses."
Nietzsche (via moldavia)(Source: organ-eesti, via moldavia)
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Do not tell everyone your story. You will only end up feeling more rejected. People cannot give you what you long for in your heart. The more you expect from people’s response to your experience of abandonment, the more you will feel exposed to ridicule."
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This tremendous world I have inside of me. How to free myself, and this world, without tearing myself to pieces. And rather tear myself to a thousand pieces than be buried with this world within me."
Kafka (via moldavia)(Source: treesclaptheirhands, via moldavia)
