-
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
The Smiths | Well I Wonder
Well I wonder
Do you hear me when you sleep ?
I hoarsely cry
Well I wonder
Do you see me when we pass ?
I half die …
Please keep me in mind
Please keep me in mind
Gasping - but somehow still alive
This is the fierce last stand of all I am
Gasping - dying - but somehow still alive
This is the final stand of all I am
Please keep me in mind
Well I wonder
Well I wonder
Please keep me in mind
Keep me in mind
Keep me in mind -
Freedom or madness?
They say you’ll be free when you let it out. But what if everything inside is too ugly, painful, and violent?
If I actually acted on all my thoughts and feelings I have all day every day I’m pretty sure I would be considered insane. I imagine myself screaming, yelling, sobbing, writhing, thrashing, stabbing, cutting, destroying, curled up crying, attacking people verbally, switching from one extreme emotion to the next…
It takes A LOT to constantly hold that in. That’s why I’m so rigid, silent, paralyzed. I feel like there’s only a thin sheet holding me back from the violent madness that lies within. Thin but strong. Made of fear. Because the fear of losing all control is greater than the pain of locking everything away.
I feel utterly panicked and desperate to escape these crushing feelings. This is when I feel that suicide is… a must. I have to do it. I can’t live like this. I can’t feel this way. I can’t handle it.
Maybe I need an exorcism instead of therapy.
-
i think i’m actually going insane
i feel like i’m trapped in a room rapidly filling up with water and i’m panicking at the inevitable drowning. i’m treading water, violently flailing, inwardly screaming and thrashing but i’m sinking anyway.
i’m at the end of my wire. but i can’t live and i can’t die. but i can’t do this anymore.
i need to do it. the thought is terrifying, but the thought of living on for years in this misery is terrifying too and something as incomprehensible and awful as dying.
but what’s really worse? the terror of killing yourself which is quick and finite, or the terror of living this life for years with all this pain and toil?
i’m shaking again and my hands are typing too fast and my mind is starting to float away.
-
“She was like a drowning person, flailing, reaching for anything that might save her. Her life was an urgent, desperate struggle to justify her life.”
Jonathan Safran Foer
(via loveyourchaos)
so true.
-
i made this blog to have a new venue to say whatever i was feeling without restraint. i didn’t think anyone would read it. but i have been holding back certain things.
it’s killing me to keep these things to myself but i am too afraid to let anyone else see. so i still feel trapped.
i’m always torn between screaming out in pain and for help and being completely cold and silent. i always choose the latter and it has destroyed me. i desperately want help and i desperately don’t. i don’t want attention but i want someone to notice but i don’t because i’ll just push them away even though i desperately don’t want them to leave me but i do. i’m feeling “that way” again and i keep telling myself it’s the only option, it’s meant to be, and that doing anything different will just ruin the plan.
i feel like i’m constantly at a crossroads and it’s always tearing me apart.
