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[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
The Smiths | Well I Wonder
Well I wonder
Do you hear me when you sleep ?
I hoarsely cry
Well I wonder
Do you see me when we pass ?
I half die …
Please keep me in mind
Please keep me in mind
Gasping - but somehow still alive
This is the fierce last stand of all I am
Gasping - dying - but somehow still alive
This is the final stand of all I am
Please keep me in mind
Well I wonder
Well I wonder
Please keep me in mind
Keep me in mind
Keep me in mind -
doomed
the wish for death undermines everything in my entire life.
there’s no point to eat better, try to get better, try to live, try for anything at all. in the end the motivation for everything i do is to pull me closer and closer to death and suicide, and anything constructive or positive opposes that goal.
there’s no point in anything. i feel utterly hopeless. this darkness is never-ending and all-consuming.
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You are willing to die, you coward, but not to live."
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The scariest thing in the world to me is skydiving. Free falling is the epitome of all loss of control and whenever I imagine it, I picture myself dying of a heart attack on the way down out of sheer fear and panic.
Then I learned about underwater cave diving. The ocean scares me too-vast, dark and deep, like drowning. They navigate through ever-extending caves, often creeping through small crevices, always in danger of getting stuck or lost. I would rather free fall than be trapped underwater.
Is this symbolic of my life? I always feel trapped for fear of spinning out of control. I’ve been imprisoned in this pit of depression because it seemed the better and safer option. But if I choose skydiving over an underwater prison, does this mean that I should choose breaking free and possibly free falling instead of staying trapped in this hell? I used to think I didn’t know which one was worse, but I question that now.
Then there’s a third option: death. Or maybe death IS free falling.
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if we’re being honest
i had my mental breakdown that day and ended up calling a crisis hotline which actually just made me feel even more hopeless.
a couple days after that i went to buy a gun. i sat in my car outside the store for over an hour, trying to make myself go in and writing in my journal in a desperate attempt to comprehend my thoughts and existence.
a few months ago i got my permit to purchase a gun, took a beginners training class, and went to the shooting range to choose a type. i have a plan i’ve curated for years.
but i ended up calling my friend, going to her house, and confessing. it wasn’t even close to being carthartic and now i’m just kicking myself for “breaking the rules,” the promise i’ve kept to myself for ten years.
i get closer every time. i feel “calmer” now, but really i’m in the tired and numb part of the cycle again and it doesn’t change anything. i still want to die. i feel weak and dumb for giving into living on.
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being thin doesn’t make me want to live, but it makes living slightly more bearable.
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[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Today by The Smashing Pumpkins
this feels so bleak to me.
Today is the greatest
Day I’ve ever known
Can’t live for tomorrow,
Tomorrow’s much too long
I’ll burn my eyes out
Before I get out
I wanted more
Than life could ever grant me
Bored by the chore
Of saving face
Today is the greatest
Day I’ve never known
Can’t wait for tomorrow
I might not have that long
I’ll tear my heart out
Before I get out
Pink ribbon scars
That never forget
I tried so hard
To cleanse these regrets
My angel wings
Were bruised and restrained
My belly stings
Today is
Today is
Today is
The greatest day
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you
Today is the greatest
Today is the greatest day
Today is the greatest day
That I have ever really known -
starving and denial
i’ve never gone after what i want. but i’ve never known what i want. maybe i don’t go after what i want because it seems so impossible and implausible in this world and i feel like it could never actually be attained.
it makes me feel like the things i want don’t mesh with the reality of the world i exist in, and makes me feel hopeless. as if even if i could go on and reach for the things i yearn for, there is no point because they are too much or too artistically idealistic and of notions only.
i wade in indecision, going along with what’s expected of me or whatever can be confined to convention. i do well because of my proper exterior, but my heart’s not in it and it all feels so null.
i’m in constant denial of all my needs, physically and emotionally, starving myself until i find all that’s left is a skeleton kept going only by depression and the inability to finally end it all. i’ve starved myself into an internal death, and it leaves an emptiness and sorrow that nothing can fill. not food, not love, not control… nothing is enough. nothing is ever enough when you’re black and bottomless.
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i think i’m dying from existential nihilism.
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My despair reached such a height that I could do nothing but think of the horrible condition in which I found myself. I saw only one thing — death. Everything else was a lie."
Leo Tolstoy, after finishing Anna Karenina (via fuckyeahexistentialism) -
(via fashion-plate)
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There is not a doctor that can diagnose me. I am dying slowly from Patrick Stickles Disease. There is not a medication that can cure what’s ailing me. The only treatment they offer is to hang me from a tree. Life’s been a long, sick game of ‘Would You Rather,’ so now I’m going to medical school… as a cadaver."
Patrick Stickles of Titus Andronicus, lyrics from No Future off The Airing of Grievances
