-
today i binged and purged and cut and burned. i should probably be taking my prozac but it’s just so hard to care.
-
i had my first meal alone today. i really wanted to skip it. then during and after i had urges to binge and purge. i still feel full and guilty for eating it- why did i eat it if i could have gotten away with not eating it?
it’s almost snack time and i don’t think i can muster the strength to eat anything unless someone makes me.
-
can you give me a breif outlook on what your daily foods they make you eat there please, and are you glad your in hospital or would you prefer to recover at home? xx
i’m in a residential house for inpatient rather than a hospital. here they try to incorporate all foods in healthy ways and in moderation. most of my meals here are prepared by the chefs and are portioned out and wholesome, but they can also throw in some “unhealthy” food. for example we’ll have homemade oatmeal or zucchini bread for breakfast but we’ll also have a donut on occasion. most times we have something like tofu, wild rice salad, and a steamed vegetable for lunch or dinner but sometimes we’ll have grilled cheese or rarely we’ll have take out like tacos or pizza. in general they strive for balance and health and no “good” or “bad” foods.
also, each person meets with a dietician to make a meal plan so it’s individualized. i’m supposed to maintain weight so my “tallies” (tallies not calories, ie 1 fruit, 1 grain, 1 fat etc) are to keep me steady. we have three meals and three snacks a day. snacks are your choice within your tallies.
overall i think the food here is really good, even though i’ll have trouble with harder foods. if you refuse to eat something you have to replace it with boost or breeze. we also have one dessert a day.
i hope that’s some insight here. i don’t think i’d be able to do it at home. in fact i’m still at the stage where if i went home i’d go right back to restricting and exercising. this place is supposed to make all food okay, give you structured and stabilized eating habits, and give an idea of healthy, normal, portioned eating. they also deal with depression, anxiety, trauma etc. we have tons of programming all day.
there are different levels depending on your symptom urges and use. right now i’m level three which means that i have to be monitored when i go the bathroom for an hour after eating, but not beyond that. monitored is when you leave the door open a crack and they listen. i also have to stay out in the common areas an hour after eating to make sure i’m okay.
feel free to ask me any more questions. how old are you? are you thinking about going inpatient? does your family know?
emily
-
[Recovery is] when you can accept your natural body size and shape and no longer have a self destructive relationship with food or exercise. When you are recovered, food and weight take a proper position in your life, and what you weigh is not more important than who you are; in fact actual numbers are of little or no importance."
8 Keys to Recovery From an Eating Disorder by Carolyn Costin and Gwen Schubert Grabb -
jay reatard
not even jail- interpol
i’m still in eating disorder inpatient. the first week my anxiety was through the roof and unbearable. i eventually just broke down and cried cuz i couldn’t take it. that was alternating with being so tired i could barely stay awake when i sat down, just utter exhaustion. there was no in between, just wild swings. it was way too much.
then i got some sleeping meds, but i’m so dehydrated my body feels shaky, dizzy, uncoordinated, exhausted etc.
today i challenged myself with nutella which is basically my number one fear food. it made me so anxious i wanted to purge or cut afterwards. i talked to someone and they made me use dbt skills so i listened to jay reatard and colored violently.
i wish i could write now but my focus and concentration are shit. and i feel so so numb that i don’t think or feel at all.
-
ED Vignette: Worst Gym Memory
I’ve had many gym lows: almost passing out, running through injury… But the worse was one day I ate some brownies and to compensate I was going to burn a ton of calories and not eat the rest of the day. I went to the gym despite feeling sick even though it’d been hours. I felt so nauseous on the elliptical that I stopped and purged in the bathroom so I could finish the rest of my workout.
-
I’m the biggest fucking pathetic loser ever. If anyone really could see my life they would want me to kill myself too.
I barely have friends anymore. I have no plans for tonight because I’m a sad piece of shit no one likes or wants to be around. My mom (yeah, MY MOM) just told me I should go out tonight. I couldn’t go out to eat last night with my parents because my friend works there and I’m too fat to let him see me eat so I stayed at home and binged and purged.
I finally confessed my suicidal feelings to my only friends left, which was really REALLY fucking hard by the way, right before they left to visit family over Christmas. I asked her to check in on me, email me, even if it was just a blank message. I haven’t heard from them since. Goes to show I should have NEVER EVER let anyone see, just like I promised myself. This just proves they don’t give a shit. No one gives a shit. No one loves me and no one cares even when I tell them that I have a plan and was sitting outside the gun store struggling with suicide.
Fuck all of them. But they’re right. No one should care. There’s nothing worth anything in me to care about anyway so why does it even matter if they call or if I kill myself. Good fucking riddance.
I told myself that I should do it tonight but I didn’t buy a gun yet because I’m too scared even though I know I don’t even deserve to live. Goddamn pathetic piece of shit I hope you fucking die you motherfucking loser.
-
last year at this time… it was one time i was at my thinnest. some of my smallest measurements. my smallest pants were getting loose. flat stomach, ribs, back ribs, grabbing hipbones, smaller and smaller waist. i was resting my head on my friend’s lap and she poked at my side between my ribcage and hipbones and said i was skeleton and that it wasn’t natural.
i had also just chipped off another chunk of my front tooth from purging. my metabolism was shot. i didn’t get my period. my body felt exhausted and rickety from starving, exercising, and purging. everything hurt. i still felt fat. the more weight i lost the guiltier and more hollow i felt.
now i’m a big fucking sack of fat. i don’t care how it felt, because now i just feel the same except five times fatter. i want it back more than anything. i cannot stand living in this body. i can’t believe i’ve gained so much weight. i’d rather die than live in this fat body. i would kill myself all over again just to be that thin again.
-
You begin to forget what it means to live. You forget things. You forget that you used to feel all right. You forget what it means to feel all right because you feel like shit all of the time, and you can’t remember what it was like before."
― Marya Hornbacher, Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia (via n-e-r-v-o-s-a)(Source: numeroclaire, via bruisedheresophagus)
-
The bulimic, on the other hand, binges and purges in secret - hiding the beast she knows is there. I that’s why, when anorexics hit a bulimic patch in recovery or difficulties even later in life, they often want to go back to the anorexia. It felt cleaner and tidier - they didn’t have to deal with all these messy feelings and conflicts."
A certain self (via betterthanbones) -
last night
too fat to go to yoga
cry. burn myself. cry
fall asleep
binge and purge
numb myself on tv until bed
-
thanksgiving
i had lost five pounds in ten days. then thanksgiving. i actually was good on the day and lost half a pound the next morning.
but my body kinda felt like it was dying inside and i binged the day after. i burned 1000 calories at the gym to compensate.
i binged again yesterday and purged.
i was following the plan so well and it was working. i KNOW that i could have just gone on with that and been fine but of course thanksgiving had to happen. i can’t deal with treats and big meals. i could have been at my next goal weight by now. i’m SO upset that i had to alter my plan and eat so much when i know i was doing well. fuck everything.
i feel wretched now due to purging. but on with the plan. no excuses.
