May 2012
33 posts
5 tags
is it normal to pace your room and talk to yourself about suicide?
May 30th
1 note
5 tags
i’m hungry but i’m afraid to eat because then i’ll have energy to be slightly manic.
May 30th
1 note
7 tags
ListenThumbs Off -  The Clean and who’s gonna...
May 30th
6 tags
this cut is dedicated to my dbt instructor, jerry.
May 30th
6 tags
May 30th
12,088 notes
5 tags
How can you deny us the right to kill ourselves when you’ve never actually felt suicidal yourself? When you’re feeling that way, suicide is an all encompassing right, an absolute truth, and an unquestionable should. Who are you to take that away from us? Everyone has their lot in life… Some people write literature, some practice medicine, some make war… Why can’t I...
May 30th
1 note
3 tags
it just feels too good.
May 30th
8 tags
today i binged and purged and cut and burned. i should probably be taking my prozac but it’s just so hard to care.
May 30th
1 note
3 tags
when your slow heartbeat shudders through your whole body.
May 28th
3 notes
5 tags
body checking this weekend has become a sort of ocd type of comforting mechanism. the hollow pit in your hungry stomach, the tapping of collarbones…  i guess when life is so devoid of comfort you find unique ways of attaining it, even if they are self destructive.
May 27th
3 tags
May 27th
50 notes
6 tags
my abysmal diet yesterday
muesli soymilk latte whiskey blondie bar
May 27th
3 tags
May 25th
14,754 notes
3 tags
“I have always been a great dreamer. In dreams I have always been more active...”
– Hermann Hesse (via hermannhesse)
May 25th
80 notes
5 tags
May 25th
57 notes
5 tags
i know i shouldn’t be, but i’m so excited to restrict tomorrow.
May 24th
1 note
5 tags
I feel like I’m empty, composed of spiderwebs of disorders creating a shadow of a person.
May 22nd
2 notes
5 tags
Orange for lunch. Soymilk latte for dinner. Goodbye meal plan.
May 21st
5 tags
i did art this weekend without feeling suicidal for the first time in many many years.
May 18th
1 note
5 tags
May 18th
3,951 notes
6 tags
How can self destruction be so quiet?
May 17th
6 tags
i was asked to leave iop. they said it wasn’t the right time to do it because i needed to find my motivation to recover. i’m such a fuck up.
May 16th
5 tags
i ended ten tallies behind yesterday because i felt like i didn’t deserve to eat as much since i didn’t go to the gym.
May 14th
4 tags
May 14th
75 notes
5 tags
it was depressing cleaning my whole room with my mom and finding lots of old, blood-stained kleenexes in my drawers. not to mention the gun target from the firing range.
May 14th
5 tags
I have so little left of myself that I want to keep what I can, even if it’s fundamentally detrimental.  Yet I hate myself and want to get rid of the horrible scraps that are left.
May 10th
5 tags
May 10th
83 notes
6 tags
i tried to make up missed tallies from my meal plan tonight, but i just couldn’t think of a reason for why i deserved to eat.
May 10th
2 tags
maybe i have to accept meaningfulness on a smaller scale.
May 9th
5 tags
May 9th
8 notes
7 tags
“I used to think that to become free you had to practice like a samurai warrior,...”
– Jack Kornfield, “The Question”
May 8th
2 notes
6 tags
chicago
well i’m off to chicago with my parents for the weekend. they invited me because they didn’t want to leave me home alone to my own devices. eating out for all meals every day and lots of treats are going to be a big challenge. the goal i set in iop is to order what i actually want off each menu, not what the eating disorder wants or necessarily what the meal plan dictates. my mom...
May 2nd
5 tags
why is it so hard to stop starving myself?
May 1st
April 2012
38 posts
3 tags
if i’m going to live, can’t i at least be great and perfect?
Apr 30th
2 notes
5 tags
Apr 30th
2,808 notes
3 tags
Apr 30th
2,925 notes
7 tags
“The artist is not, as ordinary people think, a gay sort of person who flings off...”
– Hermann Hesse in Gertrude (1910)
Apr 30th
59 notes
5 tags
Apr 30th
80 notes
5 tags
my life feels completely worthless and meaningless.
Apr 30th
1 note
8 tags
i don’t know why i thought watching ‘requiem for a dream’ would be a good idea. it’s one thing to live through suicidal thoughts, depression, an eating disorder, the psych ward, and residential treatment… to experience it first hand and have it be your norm.  it’s another thing to view it externally and really see how scary and serious it all is.
Apr 29th
1 note
5 tags
my mind keeps telling me i’m doing the right thing by not eating- that i should be proud.
Apr 28th
2 notes
4 tags
therapy for me is like a wet dream. it’s someone listening to me talk about myself for an hour.
Apr 28th
1 note
6 tags
i want to hold onto depression and the eating disorder so tight because i still don’t have a life. i don’t have a job, friends, interests or hobbies. it helps fill the void because i’m still not a whole person.
Apr 27th
3 notes
4 tags
It’s still hard to think that -I- have an eating disorder. I go to IOP and do group check in and say these things out loud that sound so normal in my head. But then the leader says that it sounds like my “eating disorder is really loud” and the other group members say they feel the same way. And I think, “How is it that these people with eating disorders, these people who...
Apr 27th
4 tags
“In moments of temptation or indecision - for example, when the man who has...”
– Sartre, 1943 (via emmabutton)
Apr 27th
647 notes
3 tags
i am often surprised by the disordered thoughts that come out of my mouth.
Apr 27th
2 notes
4 tags
Apr 24th
4,572 notes
5 tags
i used to think that it was a choice to not eat and that i was in control, but i am questioning that now.
Apr 24th
3 tags
Apr 21st
2,024 notes
5 tags
i’m barely restricting and i’m already lightheaded.
Apr 21st