February 2012
8 posts
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“I’m very much down to earth, just not this earth.”
– Karl Lagerfeld
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anxiety anxiety
want to restrict, cut, go insane, exercise
but i can’t. it’s against the rules in inpatient. going crazy in my skin. not even nearly as bad as the first week. now it’s a dizzy high floaty feeling in my head, restlessness, want to scream and jump, tension in my heart……….
i was super orthostatic this morning and my heart rate jumped, again.
i want to do fucking...
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Fear controls my life. It keeps me from feeling emotions, from going after what I want, and from letting my real self free.
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“Sometimes, I feel like I’m not solid. I’m hollow; there’s nothing behind my...”
– S. Plath (via claudere)
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“He fasted for fifteen days. He fasted for twenty-eight days. The flesh wasted...”
– Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha (via hermannhesse)
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jay reatard
not even jail- interpol
i’m still in eating disorder inpatient. the first week my anxiety was through the roof and unbearable. i eventually just broke down and cried cuz i couldn’t take it. that was alternating with being so tired i could barely stay awake when i sat down, just utter exhaustion. there was no in between, just wild swings. it was way too much.
then i got...
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gone
I was in the psych ward for a month and a day. Now I’m in eating disorder inpatient for ed and depression. My friends and parents gave me an intervention and a nurse came out to my house to take me to the hospital for suicidal behavior. If I hadn’t have agreed, I would have been forced to go.
I gave up my matches, razors, bullets, permit to purchase a firearm card… Basically all...
January 2012
21 posts
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FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK my best friend is coming over and telling my mom i’m depressed and suicidal my life is falling apart
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all this rage is really just pain.
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ED Vignette: Worst Gym Memory
I’ve had many gym lows: almost passing out, running through injury… But the worse was one day I ate some brownies and to compensate I was going to burn a ton of calories and not eat the rest of the day. I went to the gym despite feeling sick even though it’d been hours. I felt so nauseous on the elliptical that I stopped and purged in the bathroom so I could finish the rest of my...
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“We all spend so much time not saying what we want, because we know we can’t have...”
– A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby (via fuckyeahexistentialism)
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33057) I hate being hungry; I hate being full. I...
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every day i don’t kill myself is another day i hate myself even more for not doing it.
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i can’t stand the day going on any longer, but i stay up late because i dread facing tomorrow.
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“Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?”
– Albert Camus (the age old question) (via fuckyeahexistentialism)
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doomed
the wish for death undermines everything in my entire life.
there’s no point to eat better, try to get better, try to live, try for anything at all. in the end the motivation for everything i do is to pull me closer and closer to death and suicide, and anything constructive or positive opposes that goal.
there’s no point in anything. i feel utterly hopeless. this darkness is...
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my friend’s grandpa committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. he sat in the bathtub with his head blown open for two hours while talking to his son before he died.
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“You are willing to die, you coward, but not to live.”
–
Hermann Hesse, Steppenwolf
(via hermannhesse)
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The scariest thing in the world to me is skydiving. Free falling is the epitome of all loss of control and whenever I imagine it, I picture myself dying of a heart attack on the way down out of sheer fear and panic.
Then I learned about underwater cave diving. The ocean scares me too-vast, dark and deep, like drowning. They navigate through ever-extending caves, often creeping through small...
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“Some of us think holding on makes us strong but sometimes it is letting go.”
– Hermann Hesse (via hermannhesse, wordpainting)
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“It is often safer to be in chains than to be free.”
– (via betterthanbones)
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dramamine + vodka wheeeeeeeeee!
December 2011
133 posts
11 tags
I’m the biggest fucking pathetic loser ever. If anyone really could see my life they would want me to kill myself too.
I barely have friends anymore. I have no plans for tonight because I’m a sad piece of shit no one likes or wants to be around. My mom (yeah, MY MOM) just told me I should go out tonight. I couldn’t go out to eat last night with my parents because my friend works...
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This was my new year’s eve two years ago. Alone and starving.
Now I don’t even have my own apartment, I’m a thousand times fatter, and I’ll be alone again because I’m a pathetic loser.
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“I have found both freedom and safety in my madness; the freedom of loneliness...”
– Kahlil Gibran (via oceanofmind)
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"Intuitive Emoting"
I was watching josielenore’s youtube videos and I made a powerful connection. She talks about how you binge when you are starving because you are “gasping for food.”
That is equatable to me holding everything so powerful in for so long. The more I hold it the worse and more desperate becomes which is why it’s so terrifying to think of letting loose. Just like I’m...
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I can’t get a handle on my eating until I get a handle on my emotions and problems. But I don’t want to get better so that I can get more and more depressed until I finally can kill myself. So where’s the point of trying to make myself eat better? So I should just keep starving? Because if I’m going to be fucked up anyway, I might as well starve myself and be thin, right?
...
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Amazing intuitive eating/anti binge-eating videos
5 Steps of Hunger Directed Eating and How to Stop Binge Eating from josielenore.
This provides clear and specific scenarios and step by step advice on how to intuitively eat and combat emotional/compulsive/binge eating. Many other resources I’ve found have good advice but are vague. Many of the examples and instructions she gives hits the nail on the head.
Binge Eating Help: How to Stop...
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Freedom or madness?
They say you’ll be free when you let it out. But what if everything inside is too ugly, painful, and violent?
If I actually acted on all my thoughts and feelings I have all day every day I’m pretty sure I would be considered insane. I imagine myself screaming, yelling, sobbing, writhing, thrashing, stabbing, cutting, destroying, curled up crying, attacking people verbally, switching...
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“Now it was different, now there was no longer light, solace and pleasure, but...”
– Hermann Hesse, Gertrude (via themisanthropy, itnumberpi) (via hermannhesse, slaapliedje)
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“None of us intellectuals is at home in reality. We are strange to it and...”
– Hermann Hesse, Steppenwolf (via confused-genius)
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last year at this time… it was one time i was at my thinnest. some of my smallest measurements. my smallest pants were getting loose. flat stomach, ribs, back ribs, grabbing hipbones, smaller and smaller waist. i was resting my head on my friend’s lap and she poked at my side between my ribcage and hipbones and said i was skeleton and that it wasn’t natural.
i had also just...
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i’m pretty sure i was the only one in yoga yesterday picturing myself being violently stabbed over and over again while we were supposed to be relaxing.
i mean, i guess i was in corpse pose.
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i said i was going to starve all day. then i had chocolate for breakfast.
hunger is transitory
hunger is transitory
hunger is transitory…
i feel so fucking high.
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“Look at you. You’re continually wracked with guilt and inadequacy. You’re an...”
– Aftermath (via betterthanbones)
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if we're being honest
i had my mental breakdown that day and ended up calling a crisis hotline which actually just made me feel even more hopeless.
a couple days after that i went to buy a gun. i sat in my car outside the store for over an hour, trying to make myself go in and writing in my journal in a desperate attempt to comprehend my thoughts and existence.
a few months ago i got my permit to purchase a gun, took...
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being thin doesn’t make me want to live, but it makes living slightly more bearable.